Enne jõule / Before Christmas

Lea Dali Leon kirjutab oma raamatus “Joonista Valgus”, et vôitja ei ole mitte see, kes elab pikema elu, vaid see, kes elab selle sisukamalt. Tema elu sisaldas sel ajal küll lausa vähki, aga môtet jagan sellegipoolest kogu südamest.Kas pole veider – ma ei ole sellele varem küll eriti môelnud. Eks elu toob meieni ka môtted, kui nendeks valmis oleme ja neist päriselt aru saame.

Erivajadustega inimeste eludest tehtud saate “Iseolemine” lôpusaates ütles üks kaasasündinud elu oluliselt lühendava haigusega mees, et tema (ja ka paljud terved inimesed) valmistuvad eluaeg surmaks, aga millalgi peaks ju siiski elama ka (millal plaanime seda teha?). Tôesti – miks tegeleme probleemidega, mis tulevad hiljem, samas, kui kõnealusel hetkel peaks hoopis elama ja maailma nautima? Elage praegu ja tunnetage elu ilu.

Vaatasin taas Monaco vürstinna Grace Kelly elust selle väikeriigi vürstinnana tehtud filmi ja môistsin, et vahel peabki elu ja muutustega kaasa minema. Tuleb vôtta vastu roll, mille elu on sulle pannud. Selleks, et kôik sujuks rahulikumalt. Sellest ôpetus vist kõigile meile – leppimine olukorraga, millesse meid suruti, ei tee olukorda halvemaks, on pigem vältimatu. Seda on märksa lihtsam öelda, kui teha – tean seda hästi – aga peab proovima.

Sellest tulenevalt pean endale vist kibedusega tunnistama, et võib-olla saatus tahtiski, et saadaksin enamuse oma elust mööda sellel füüsilise äbariku tasemel, milleni olen tänaseks jôudnud. Minu tugevat usku on siiski raske murda ja sellepärast loodan sellegipoolest ka paremale homsele. Aga välistada ei tohi ühtegi vôimalust.

Armastan väga Astangul toimuvat iganädalast kunstiringi. Oktoobri viimasel ôhtul jôudsin enne uinumist imeliku ja pisut naljaka avastuseni – olin sel sügisel 2 kuu jooksul käinud kunstiringis vähem, kui EMOs – hirmus, mida selline statistika minu eluviisi kohta räägib. Jah, kuigi ma ei oleks esimene, kes Tarzani kombel tiigriga vôitlusse tormab, ei oleks ma ilmselt ka viimane. Kôike seda mõistagi eeldusel, et osavôtjate arv on suurem, kui kaks.

Eelmises sissekandes avaldatud kukerpall trepil vôttis minult suure osa tasakaalust ja viis minu pahameeleks ka kônnikindluse, mida olen nüüd hoolega taastamas. Minu arvestuste järgi viis see kuum trepitango mind taastumisteljel umbes poole aasta tagusesse aega. Igal traumal on selgelt oma hind, peab lihtsalt jälgima, et selle tasumine ei osutuks liiga suureks väljakutseks ehk traumasid peab vältima.

Nagu öeldud, käin kunstiringis Astangu Kutserehabilitatsiooni Keskuses, mis on just erivajadustega inimeste abistamiseks ja edasipüüdluste toetamiseks loodud Eestis väga ainulaadna tänuväärne keskus. Kord kohtusin seal noormehega, kes peab oma ratastooli juhtima suhu pandud juhtpuldi abil, sest trauma oli viinud kogu liikumisvõime lõuast allapoole. Ta on ootamatult heatujuline inimene ja lôbus kaaslane – kuigi nii raskelt vigastatud. Teda vaadates sai mulle ikka väga selgeks, kui ôrnalt saatus mind ônnetuses hoidis. Seda vôrdlusmomenti on siiski päris raske endale piisavalt tihti, eriti sügavamatel masendushetkedel, meelde tuletada. Igaühel meist on omad suured mured – absoluutselt! Siiski võiks vahel näha ka neid, kelle sarnane mure on ikka tohutult palju suurem. See aitab meelde tuletada, et enda puhul võime vahel sääsest (või mõnest pisut suuremast isendist) lausa elevandi teha. Vahel peaks vist tundma teatavat tänulikkust, et niigi hästi läks.

Kui ühel päeval pärast sõpradega veedetud lõuna-aega teatasin ühele neist, et nii mônus on päeval söömas käia ilma oma ravimikarpi kaasa vedamata (nagu eelmises sissekandes kirjutasin, võõrutasin end väga kangest spastikaravimist). Tema tunnistas seepeale, et teised sellest pääsemise tundest vist kunagi aru ei saakski, sest pole nendes lainetes hulpima pidanud. Samamoodi tundsin sellest väikese sôpruskonna osaga peetud lôinast ülimat heameelt, sest kodustes pubilise taustmürata vaikses keskkonnas ei pidanud keegi minu jutu peale vaatama mind nagu päikeseprillide ja kübaraga purjus öökulli, sest said mu jutust igati hästi aru – see pani mind taas tundma end kaunis normaalsena, mis on vahelduseks, pärast 5-aastast vaheaega, ääretult imeline tunne.

Novembri lôpus (mõni nädal tagasi) käisin hiina massaažis. Mind hoiatati küll ette, et see on valus, aga ossapoiss – päris seda ma tõepoolest ei oodanud! Sel massaažilaual pisaratega vôideldes sai üha selgemaks, et sensoorsus on tôepoolest vaikselt taastumas. Nii et taaskord oli pôhjust valu pärast hoopis rôômustada.

Novembri viimasel kohtumisel oma iganädalase suurepärase logopeediga pidime koos tôdema, et ka päris halvast vôib hea kooruda – nimelt, kuigi trepilt kukkumise tôttu kaotasin hamba, oli see murdunud juure tõttu enne eemaldamist tohutult valus (iga tuuleôhk tegi suus pôrgut) ja ôppisin just suus vähesema tuule tekitamise nimel märksa paremini artikuleerima. Nii et hea võib sündida ka päris halvast  .

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In her book “Joonista valgus” Lea Dali Leon writes that the winner is not a person who lives a longer life rather than a person who lives a more meaningful life. Although she was fighting with cancer at the time, I find the idea really acceptable. I haven’t thought much about it before (although I totally agree with it) – it seems that life brings different ideas to us when we are ready and fully understand them.

In the final TV-show “Iseolemine” (made of people with special needs) a man with an inborn fatal desease that shortens life remarkably said that he (and a lot of healthy people) spend their life preparing for death, but a person needs to live as well at some point (when are they planning to do that?). Indeed – why do we handle problems that come later while we actually should live and enjoy the world? Live now and feel beauty of life.

From the movie of Grace Kelly as the princess of Monaco I realized that sometimes one needs to go along with life and accept the changes it brings. One has to accept the role that life has put on its shoulders for everything to turn out better. I think that brings a lesson to all of us – accepting the situation that has been forced to us doesn’t make things worse but is rather unavoidable. It is much easier said then done – I know this very well – but trying is necessary.

According to this I have to admit with bitterness that the faith might have wanted me to live most of my life at this physicallt low level that I’ve reached today. Yet, y strong faith is hard to break which is why I still hope for a better tomorrow. But no possibility is to be avoided.

I love the weekly art therapy in Astangu Vocational Rehabilitation Center. On the last night in November before falling asleep I made a super weird discovery – this fall during 2 months I had visited art therapy less than the emergency room in the hospital. Just terrible what that statistics speaks of me. Yeas, even though I would not be the first one to fight the tiger like Tarzan, I would probably not be the last one either. Assuming, of course, that there would be more than two participants.

Somersault on the stairs, that I wrote about in my last post took a great part of my ability of balance and took away my confidence during walking, to my great irritation. I am restoring it with my best ability. According to my calculations the heated tango with the stairs tookme back about half a year on my rehabilitation axis. Every trauma clearly has its price, one just has to make sure that paying it would not be too challenging meaning that traumas have to be avoided.

As it was said, I take part in the art therapy in Astangu Vocational Rehabilitation Center that is an exceptionally thankworthy establishment in Estonia created to help people with special needs back on track. Once I met a young man there who has to steer his wheel chair with a remote control in his mouth because trauma had taken his ability of movement from below his jowl. He is more cheerful and fun companion than I would’ve expected – although hurt so seriously. Looking at him it became quite clear to me how tenderly the accident treated me. However that comparison it is way too hard to remember during the moments of deep depression. Everyone of us have their major troubles – I know that for sure. Still, it would be helpful to see people whose problems of a similar kind are way more serious than yours. That helps to remember that we can sometimes turn a mosquito into an elephant looking at our own problems, It is sometimes important to feel certain gratitude that things didn’t turn out worse.

Once after a lunch with a small group of friends I told one of them how great it was to have lunch and not carry the medicals-box with me any more (as I wrote in my last entry I estranged myself of a very strong spasticity medication). He admitted that people who have not struggled with any similar problems could never understand that feeling of sudden freedom. I also felt great delight of that time spent together because in silent domestic environment (without a backround noise of a pub or a restaurant) everybody understood my speech perfectly well and I got no strange stares from any of them – it made me feel quite normal again which is a really marvellous feeling after a 5 year break.

In the end of November (a few weeks ago) I went to a Chinese masseur. I was warned that it is painful but oh boy – I really could’ve not imagined that! Fighting with tears on that massage table it became more clear to me that the sensibility is slowly recovering after all. So, again I had a reason to rejoice over the pain.

During the last in November-meeting with my wonderful speech therapist we both had to recognize that good can come out of really bad events. Namely, after my fall from the stairs I felt ernomous pain in my tooth due to its broken fang before it was removed. In order to avoid any “wind” (air-movement in my mouth) I learned to articulate much better. So, good may even come from something really bad.