Käin tihti erinevates haiglates ja taastusravikeskustes uusi taastumisnippe omandamas. Ühte minuga môned aastad tagasi kokku puutunud inimest kuulates sain ühtäkki aru, et seda pikka protsessi, mille konarusi ma praegu läbin, ei ole just kôige ôigem nimetada taastumiseks (mis viitaks justkui looduse juhitud iseeneslikule protsessile), pigem on see ôppimine (korra värske ilmakodanikuna omandatud oskuste taasomandamine). Vaid iseseisva hingamise selgekssaamine oli ilmselt looduse juhitud oskus, sest selle ôppimist (vôi üldse millegi teadvustamist) ma oma taastumistee selles faasis küll môista ja kontrollida ei saanud.
Eelnevaga ei tee ma kindlasti au oma intelligentsile ja vaimsele vôimekusele, kuigi olen end alati ôppimisvaldkonnas tugevaks pidanud. Ma ei otsi küll vabandusi, aga väga selgelt peab soovitust suurema osa panustest panema ka looduse juhitavale bioloogilisele protsessile ja haruldasele imele. Sama “vabandust” toetas ka Pärnu haigla taastusraviosakonna füsioterapeut, kelle kinnitusel on väga vôimsal ja domineerival lihasmälul väga vähe pistmist inimese intelligentsiga ja selle murdmine on tôsine nuhtlus.
Vôiks arvata, et see on hea uudis, sest enne ônnetust olin füüsiliselt vôimekas, tegelesin palju muuhulgas ka šôutantsus trupis tantsimisega.
Siiski vôtsid kôik mu lihased kooma ajal vabaduse kogu 27,5 aasta jooksul kogutud mälumaht täiesti süüdimatult kustutada, mistôttu hakkasid mälukihtidesse salvestuma uued liigutused, mis on ebakorrektsed, aga olid sel ajal minu ainus vôimalus liikumiseks. Ja nüüd olen sunnitud oma lihaste mälu ümber kirjutama, mis ka mainitud füsioterapeudi sônul ääretult raske on.
Raskused on ületamiseks, teame vist kôik, mistôttu annan tôesti parima, et oma eelmine mälumuster murda ja uue salvestusega üle kirjutada.
Seetôttu ei taha ma siinkohal kindlasti vähendada ime vôimu ja saabumise vôimalikkust. Imesid juhtub ja neisse uskumisest ei tohi loobuda. Ootan imet minagi, sest seda lihasmälu ümberkirjutamist muuga iseloomustada küll ei saa.
Lisaks olen oma pika taastumisperioodi vältel selgeks saanud, et ise ei saa eriti paljut oma elus ette planeerida ja plaani kohaselt teostada. Peab usaldama elu, nagu olen siin varemgi kirjutanud. Kuulasin raamatut “The exstraodinary life of Sam Hell” (“Sam Helli erakordne elu”), kus nimikangelase sügavalt katoliiklik ema ütleb talle iga raskuse läbimisel: “Have faith, Sam” (“Ära kaota usku. Sam”). See sônum oli môeldud väga religioossena, kuhu ma iseennast nii radikaalselt ei liigitaks. Mina usun, et usk peab olema kobar religioonist, saatusest ja eneseusust. Sellesse kobarasse peab uskuma ja südamesse joonistama pildi soovitud olukorrast, arvan mina. Kuigi võin ka eksida, teen selles uues seisukohas inimkatse ja annan tulemustest teile selle kanali vahendusel järgnevates postitustes teada.
On nii, et töörinnete vahele peab ka puhkehetki mahutama, nagu loodus meile une näol ette on kirjutanud. Puhkus on minu natuuriga ääretult vähesobiv seisund. Kohtusin arstiga, kellega viimati rääkisin detsembri alguses – ta kiitis mu oluliselt paranenud kônet ja uuris, mida olen viimastel kuudel kônearenduses teisiti teinud ning üllatus siiralt, kui teatasin, et peale mitte-midagi tegemise, ei ole ma midagi ette vôtnud – sai kiiresti selgeks, kui vajalik on puhkuseaeg keset aktiivseid taastumistreeninguid. See arst märkis ka, et puhkamist peab mingis mõttes ikka täitsa õppima – peab sundima end lahti laskma ja lihtsalt olemises hetke ilu nautima. Usun siiralt, et puhkus on kasulik igaühele püüdluste saavutamiseks ja närvide tasakaalustamiseks.
Seega, usaldage elu otsuseid ja arvestage kiirete töötundide vahele ka kosutavaid puhkehetki.
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I often visit different hospitals and rehabilitation centers learning new rehab tricks. Listening to a person who met with me many years ago I realized all of a sudden that the long curvy process I am currently travelling through is not best called a rehabilitation (that would imply some process happening itself basically), it is rather a learning process (learning everything for the second time already). Only learning to breathe independantly must’ve been self-happening because I couldn’t have understood or be aware of anything at that point.
I certainly don’t leave a good impression of my intelligence or mental abilities with the previous. I’m not looking for excuses but I’m convinced that a large bet has to be put to the biological processes managed by the nature and the miracle happening so rarely. The same “excuse” was backed up by a physiotherapist in Pärnu hospital claiming that the muscle memory is a bitch – it is very strong and dominative in nature and has very little to do with the person’s intelligence. Breaking it is very difficult and demanding.
One could think that it is terrific news for me as I was quite skilled physically before the accident. Still, during the coma, all my muscles irresponsibly took the liberty of forgetting everything they had learned in 27,5 years. The new layers of memory started to fill with fresh, a bit incorrect movements therefore – incorrect but still the only means of moving for me at that time. Now I’m forced to rewrite my muscle memory (a difficult process as mentioned before). Difficulties are there for overcoming them, as we all know, which is why I’ll give my absolute best to breaking the previous memory pattern and overwriting it with new, correct information.
This is why I certainly don’t want to lessen the power and possibility of miracles. Miracles do happen and one should never stop believing in them. A miracle is very welcome for my part too as rewriting the muscle memory cannot be described with anything less.
In the long process of my rehabilitayion I’ve also learned that much cannot be planned and acieved by that plan (that I’ve mentioned in my previous posts as well). Life must be trusted. I listened to a book “The extraordinary life of Sam Hell” where Sam’s deeply religious catholic mother told him “Have faith, Sam” while passing hardships in life. Although I wouldn’t categorize myself as a such a religious person, I too believe that faith cannot be lost (I rather believe that a cluster of religion, fate and self-belief must be believed in). Although I might be wrong, I’ll experiment it on myself and let you know of the results here in the following posts.
It is well known that in between long work hours, resting also has to be planned. Just resting doesn’t suit my lifestyle at all. I met a doctor that I last talked to in December and she praised my much improved speech a lot while asking what did I do different in my daily speech exercise. She was quite surprised when I confessed that besides not doing anything, I did nothing – it became clear quite fast that while recovering, the resting time is essential as well. She also mentioned that also resting must be learned – how to let go of everything and just focus on the beauty of the current moment. I sincerely believe that resting time is beneficial achieving any goal and also for balancing all the nervous system.
Therefore I wish you the trust in life in all its curves and plan enough resting time in your hasty work lives as well.