Kohtusin üleeile üle pea kahe aastakümne inimestega, kellega tutvusin juba 7-aastaselt samas klassiruumis. Seltskonnas oli muuhulgas meie esimene ôpetaja, kes meie kooliteed juhtima asudes oli vaid 19-aastane ehk meiesarnaselt nooruslik, vabameelne ja igati krapsakas. Jôudsime kambakesi järeldusele, et just see teatava kogenematuse ja hingevabaduse faktor meist nii toredad inimesed kasvataski.
Ôhtu lôpus autode poole vantsides ütles ta meie endisele emakeeleôpetajale, et olenemata, mis me praegu teeme vôi kelleks kasvanud oleme, oleme sisult ikka needsad… Loomulikult ei pea ma silmas vaid seda osa, mis pealispinna alla jääb, vaid ikka päris tuuma – sisu sisus.
Rääkisin meie armsa noore ôpetajannaga ôhtul ka elu tôelistest väärtustest ja ta avaldas mulle loo ühest endisest ôpetajast, kelle esimene poeg tuli ilmale sünnitraumaga, mis asus piirama tema füüsilist vôimekust. Kuna noormehe môistus on väga särav, jôudis ta kaugele. Seesama noormees oli mingil hetkel öelnud, kui väikesed osad meie sisust, tervena elavatele inimestele märkamatudki, tegelikult meie õnne loomisel loevad. Aga seda vähest näeb inimene reeglina alles siis, kui kõik muu on käest rebitud. Ja sellest on tõesti kahju. Maailm jääb nii paljust ilma, sest me lihtsalt ei oska märgata.
Nii ka minul – palju, mida enne traumat väga “enda asjaks” pidasin, ei olegi tegelikult midagi erilist väärt. Mask on langenud, on järgi vaid sisu sisu, mis tegelikult minu sisemise õnne loomisel enim loeb.
Ka legendaarne Vahur Kersna on kirjutanud, et vigastus vôi haigus koorib maha kôik üleliigse, jääb vaid tuum.
Olen tähele pannud, et see ei juhtu mitte ainult trauma/haiguse-ohvritega, vaid väga selgelt ka kôigi neid ümbritsevatega. Maskid langevad, ka emotsionaalses mõttes, kôigilt, keda on kalliks peetud, ja lôpuni usaldatudki. Aga see maskide langemine ei pea tooma vaid pettumusi – minugi elus on mitu lähedast, kelle maski tagant ma nende ilusat olemust tegelikult ei näinudki.
Mõistan nüüd väga selgelt, milline maskiball terve elu on ja millise maskide langemise hetke kogu see taastumisaeg toob. Nii iseenda, kui teiste puhul. Ei saa välistada võimalust, et suured väljakutsed on meile saatuse poolt saadetud, et enda tegelikku tuuma selgemini näeksime. Ärge kartke raskeid väljakutseid teiegi – kui mitte muud, toovad nad vaimus teatava selguse.
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After almost 20 years I met with people from my very youth again – my classmates from the Secondary School. Among those great people, my first teacher attended aswell – when we went to school being 7 years old, she was only 19, so not much older. After a few discussions we concluded that her young age, a kind of freedom in mind and actions, was really the main reason we grew up to be such wonderful people as we are today.
When we were walking towards out cars at the end of this memorable evening, she told our former teaher of grammar and literature that despite what we’ve grown to become or what we do now, inside we’re still the same people we were back then. Naturally I don’t mean the part only that is under the surface but the real core – the inside of the inside.
During the evening I had a chance to talk to her about some inner true values and she told me about a son of her colleague who came into this world with birth trauma that limited his physical movement. As his mind is very sharp, he ended up very far in intellectual fields. He had once told my teacher that our happiness really comes from very little things inside us, sometimes even unnoticed by healthy and undamaged people. But a person only sees it when he’s got everything else torn away. I think this is really unfortunate. The world is left from so much just due to our inability to notice.
The same happened to me, I believe – a lot that I considered “my thing” before trauma is really not worth that much after all. The mask has fallen, I’m left with the core only (inside of the inside), that actually counts the most in creating my inner happiness.
Vahur Kersna (a legendary writer and a TV host in Estonia) has written in one of his books that an injury or illness peels a person from everything redundant, we are left with the core only.
I’ve clearly noticed that it doesn’t only happen to the victims of trauma or illness but also with their close ones. The masks, also emotional, fall from everybody who’ve been held dear and trusted completely. But this falling of the masks dosn’t need to bring disappointments only – the masks hide beautiful people sometimes, some true hidden beauties.
I understand very clearly now what kind of a mask ball life really is and what kind of mask-free moment the rehabilitation time brings. For myself and people around me. It can’t be ruled out that the Faith sends us these huge challenges for us to see our true cores. Don’t be afraid of difficult challenges – they bring some clarity in your minds, if not else.