Lõppemiste kümnendi lõppemine / Ending of a decade of endings

Maailmas ja selles elavate inimeste eludes on sel kümnendil tohutult juhtunud, kaotuseid üle elatud, haigustega vôideldud ja vôite tähistatud, aga isekalt keskendun järgnevalt vaid enese elule ja lôppeva kumnendi eripärale.

Imelikul kombel joonistub siingi välja minu poolt korduvalt varemgi väljakäidud sinusoidi-teooria. Igaühel teist on järgnevates etappides oma eriline roll – palun kirjutage mulle, kas tunnete neis end samamoodi – teie arvamus on mulle tôeliselt oluline!

Alustagem heast – üleeelmine aastakümme, selle sajandi esimene, oli minu elus täiesti muinasjutuline – sain vôimaluse ôppida väga palju erinevates koolides erinevatel teaduskraadi-tasemetel, jagada elu suurepärase mehega ja privileegi töötada minu maailmapilti oluliselt avardavatel ja seda mitmekesistavatel harukordsetel ametikohtadel. Siis lôppes see dekaad ja sellega ka sinusoidi tôusev osa (iroonilisel kombel tähistasin seda kümnendivahetust linnas, kus möödus minu senise elu kôige ônnelikum aeg – Amsterdamis). 

Langus ei alanud kohe uue aastanumbriga, sest siis sain veel pea aastakese töötada erakordsel ametikohal –  sügavalt sügavalt minu südamesse juured ajanud varahalduses. Aga ka sinusoidi nurgad ongi teatavasti ümarad.

Lôppenud dekaad tôi minu ellu üksikuid imelisi vôite, aga ka arvukalt väga valusaid hoope nii füüsilises, kui emotsionaalses môttes. Just lôppenud aastakümne alguses tôi saatus mu teele minu elu väga napilt säästnud ônnetuse, millest sai alguse riburada uusi minu jaoks tõeliselt traagilisi lôppemisi – kaotasin oma vabaduse, lôppes minu jaoks südamelähedane karjäär varahalduses, pikaajaline tugev kooselu, toimus ilmselt paratamatu teatava hulga varasemate sôprade eemaldumine ja lôppes mitmete luude-kontide tervena elatud elu minu kehas.

Luciano Pavarotti ütles abikaasa Nicolettale selle diagnoosi kuulmisel, et naine ei tohiks haigust vôtta elu toodud ülekohtuna, vaid vôimalusena uuteks algusteks ja vallutusteks. Kuigi kaotuste kümnend, elasin minagi uute vôimaluste loomise ja nende kasutamise valguses, sest ohvrina kaeblemine ei ole minusse kodeeritud. 

Saatus pidurdas minu varasema elektrilise elutempo täiesti maha aaaeeeglaseks kulgemiseks. Veidral kombel oli see aeglasemas tempos liikumine ja ümbritseva märkamine minu enda soovitus kaasmagistritele TTÜ magistrisktusel peetud lôpukônes aastal 2009. 

See aeglane kulgemine andis mulle vôimaluse märgata ja tôesti näha elu enda ümber, elamist nautida, mitte sellest läbi kihutada, lugeda, kirjutada, juurde ôppida, môtiskleda, muusikat kuulata ja paljud paljud elulised aspektid täiesti ümber hinnata – leidsin paljudes lähedastes, nii pere, kui sôpraderingis täiesti puutumatud kullast südamed, sain vôimaluse panustada väga erinäolistel töökohtadel ja ôppida juurde väga palju nii erinevatel veebikursustel, kui  iseenda kohta kogemusnôustamise koolitusel, kus tegime arvukalt teste oma isiksuste eri tahkude valgustamiseks. Ja mis saaks olla toredam, kui uute psühholoogiliste aspektide tundmaôppimine nii ägeda inimese kohta, kui seda olen mina! 😀  

See kümnend märgib minu elu raamatus kaotuste ja lôppemiste peatükki. Loodan südamest ja pingutan kôigest väest, et nüüd algaks alguste kümnend. Loodan seda nii enda, kui teie jaoks!

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This decade has brought lots of different situations, losses, victories and fights with illnesses to the world and people living in it. In the following I selfishly focus on myself and the remarkability of the ending decade.

Strangely enough the sinusoid-theory I’ve been talking about repeatedly, emerges in my life quite clearly. Easch and every one of you has their special part in the stages described below – please write me if your memories and experience corresponds to what I’ve written  – your opinion is extremely important to me!

Lets begin with good – the decade before the current one, the first one in this century, was like a fairy tale for me – I had a chance to study in many different schools in different science levels, share my life with a wonderful man and the privilege to have unique  jobs that expanded and diversified my view of the world spectacularly.

Then the decade ended and the sinusoid curve together with it (ironically I welcomed the new decade in the city I’ve spent my happiest time in my life so far – Amsterdam).

The downward curve didn’t begin with a new year precisely because I was given another year to work in asset management – a field deeply deeply carved into my heart. But as you well know – the curves of the sinusoid are not sharp.

The ending decade brought a few solitary victories but also numerously very painful blows – both physical and emotional. In its begiining, the ending decade brought a very severe accident in my life that very narrowly spared my life. That was the beginning of so many very tragic endings in my life  – I lost my freedom, my deeply loved job in asset management, my very longlasting lifepartner, many friends who I’d been very close with before  started to drift away and many bones in my body had to face ending to their heathy life.

Having heard of her diagnoses, Luciano Pavarotti told his wife Nicoletta that she mustn’t take it as an injustice brought to her by life but rather an opportunity for new beginnings. Despite the decade of losses, I lived it in creation and experiencing of new opportunities aswell. Complaining in a victom position isn’t encoded in me.

The fate slowed down my electrical way of living I had before and the corresponding fast pace of life to a sloooow progression. Weirdly enough, that was exactly what I suggested to my co-graduates in my speech given in the ceremony I received my Master’s degree in TalTech in 2009.

This slow progression gave me the opportunity to notice and really see the life around me, instead of just racing through. I was given an opportunity to read, write, learn, think, listen to music and re-evaluate so very many aspects of life – I found an intact golden heart in many of my close ones in my family and in the circle of my closest friends, I had an opportunity to contribute in very different jobs and learn a lot from diffeerent web courses and in the experience-based therapist training where we completed numerous tests to shed light to the different facets of our personalities. What could be more exciting than learning more about such a colorful person as myself! 😀 

This ending decade marks the chapter of losses and grief in my book of life. I wish from the bottom of my heart (and strive to that with everything I have) that the decade about to begin would mark lots of new beginnings for me too. I wish that for myself and you as well, my dear co-thinkers!

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